The 5 Kinds of Conflict Resolution

Conflict. Nobody wants to deal with it. Everybody has to sometimes. So how do you deal with it well? With this blog series, we’re on a mission to become more effective communicators, so how do effective communicators approach interpersonal conflict? In today’s post, we’ll look at five different styles of conflict resolution and discuss why one of those five is almost always the right choice.

But first, let’s define our terms a little! In their book Interpersonal Conflict, communication professor William Wilmot and psychotherapist Joyce Hocker define conflict as “an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals.” Note in this definition that a disagreement between two people must be expressed to be considered a conflict. If the tension is still just brewing under the surface for one or both parties, it’s certainly not good, but it’s not a conflict yet. When someone finally says something and the difference in perspective or the incompatible goals are expressed, now there is a conflict.

And so, the most important question — when that conflict comes, what will you do about it?

The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution

This model comes from researchers Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann, and there are several lenses through which we can view each of the five styles. For instance, each conflict resolution style shows some degree of concern for yourself and some degree of your concern for the other person with whom you are in conflict. Another facet that you can look at is the level of assertiveness and cooperation that each style displays in a person. Finally, each of the five can be viewed as some combination of wins and losses for the people involved. The goal, of course, is to find the conflict resolution style that yields a win/win. So, with these categories in mind, let’s look at the Thomas/Kilmann conflict resolution styles.

Avoidance

When you find yourself in a conflict with someone — whether at work, amongst your friends, or at home — your first option to resolve that conflict is to avoid it. This road is taken far too often. We think that maybe if we just ignore the issue, it’ll go away on its own. And maybe eventually it will, but not without consequence. Relationships can be damaged without you even realizing it when you fail to address a conflict — even a seemingly small one. The avoidance style of conflict resolution shows a low concern for yourself and a low concern for the other person. It reveals low assertiveness and low cooperation. And finally, it’s a lose-lose situation. This option is not the one you want to choose.

Accommodation

Next up — accommodation. Like avoidance, there are times when this style of conflict resolution might seem like the noble one. When you choose to accommodate the person or people with whom you are in conflict, you give up your own goals or desires to let them have what they want. Maybe it’s only a small conflict, and you didn’t even want your way that much. Maybe accommodation is just the nicer route out of a conflict. Or maybe your high concern for others is paired with a low concern for yourself. Maybe your high cooperation — which, by itself, is a good thing — is paired with low assertiveness. No matter how kind it seems to just let the other person have their way when you’re in conflict, accommodation will likely end a conflict in a lose/win, with the accommodator losing. This is not our style of choice either.

Competition

On the flip side of accommodation is competition. In a case of conflict, the competitor has high concern for themselves and high assertiveness — neither of which are bad qualities in and of themselves. The problem is that, like the accommodator, they don’t have the balance that we’re looking for. They have a low concern for others and low cooperation, so they end up dominating the person with whom they are in conflict in order to get their own way. Does competition end conflict? Technically, yes. But it’s never ultimately effective. Forcing people to go along with your ideas and plans can only work for so long. Eventually, you’ll come to find out that your team or your friends won’t have your back quite like they used to because you’ve steamrolled them one too many times. Competition is a win/lose ending and definitely not the conflict resolution style we’re looking for.

Compromise

Now we come to the conflict resolution style which is often held up as the gold standard — compromise. But you might be surprised to learn that, according to this model from Thomas and Kilmann, compromise is still not ideal when it comes to resolving a conflict. This is because, when you compromise, each party inherently has to sacrifice at least part of their original goal or desire. Everybody partly wins, but everybody also partly loses. Looking at the categories we’ve been using, resolving a conflict with compromise between the parties displays a middling concern for yourself and a middling concern for others. When you compromise, you are acting somewhat assertively and also somewhat cooperatively. And, in the scheme of things, sometimes compromise really is the best you can do. Compared to the previous three styles, compromise is certainly the best option! When a situation is tough or the other person is unwilling to cooperate, a compromise is a good ending to a conflict. But, with compromise only offering a partial win and partial loss for both parties, is there a conflict resolution style that yields a win/win?

Collaboration

Yes, there is. It’s collaboration. When your goal is incompatible with someone else’s goal and you enter into a conflict, what’s the best possible resolution? Not avoiding it, not giving up what you want, not insisting on what you want, not even settling for a compromise. The best possible resolution is the two parties working together to truly accomplish both goals. Collaborating with the person with whom you are in conflict not only saves you from potential relational strain going forward, but it also displays a high concern for yourself coupled with a concern for others that’s just as high. Collaboration takes assertiveness and cooperation on both sides, which is sometimes very hard to find. But, though it is often the most difficult to accomplish, collaboration is the most rewarding and certainly the most effective style of conflict resolution. This is the option we want to strive for every time. This is the true win/win.

That’s all for this week! If you want to learn more about becoming an effective communicator at work, at home, and in your community, check out our previous posts in this series and look out for our final installment, coming soon!